Social Distance...and Isolation.

I have heard many people bemoaning the lack of socialization during this period of forced separation. Many, many times, I have read of the mental toll solitary confinement can take on people. But...I don’t really get it. I understand how confinement could make me go stark raving mad - probably quicker than most - but as someone who needs and wants little social interaction I don’t really understand how lack thereof can take such a toll on people. So far, the only downside to this whole “social distancing” thing for me is that places I used to go for solitude are now...crowded and I dread the thought that my “secret places” are going to remain crowded after this all blows over. Now my “crack-of-dawn-to-avoid-the-idiots” grocery runs are not quite as placid and idiot-free as they once were. (Hopefully they’ll go back to the malls instead of the woods and take up sleeping in again, once this all blows over).

I don’t feel like I’m missing anything and I have to wonder “...why is that?” “...what does it say about me?” “...am I some sort of sociopath?” The logical place to look for answers seems to be the past - Where did it start and how did I get to where I am now? 

Growing up in a small town where I didn’t fit in probably had a lot to do with it. I realized fairly early on that I was never going to fit in, so there was no point in trying. I found that being “different” was acceptable but being “uncool” was a major, major sin to be avoided at all costs. Being different earned me a mostly undeserved reputation for being crazy, but it accorded me a degree of respect. The lesson I took from this is that, if you give people a few threads, they will spin an entire cloth of an image of you - and because they came up with it themselves, they believe it wholeheartedly. It’s better than anything you could come up with on your own. Still, maintaining the machinery that creates an image is taxing. When I was on my bike alone for hours, I didn’t have to keep up appearances, there was no one to judge me and I didn’t have to be on alert not to make any missteps. In addition to my bike freeing me from my mother and my small town, it freed me from having to manage the smoke and mirrors of the persona I created. I liked it. I had “guys I hung out with” but no real “friends”. Like Barf, I was my own best friend, and I was mostly ok with that.

As I got older, my social circle expanded. I had friends and did social things. I have to admit, I had a lot of fun. I even -gasp!- initiated get togethers and hosted parties! Still, I found it draining. After several hours at a party, I found myself just shutting down and needing to go off by myself. It felt like my batteries were depleted. Again, it seemed like I was maintaining an image and ever on my guard against being “uncool”. I realized how many little things I was doing - like making sure not to tell the same story twice, keeping track of what I had in common with which person so that I could direct the conversations in a “safe” direction, always wearing something that I had gotten since we had been together last (so that I knew I wasn’t wearing the same thing as last time)...and so on. I maintained a mental Rolodex (I’m too old for a database) of everyone’s likes and dislikes and acted accordingly. I kept a ready store of witty quips and quotes, just in case I needed them. If I was hosting, I depleted my emotional batteries making sure everyone was having the best time ever. That all has a mental and emotional cost, and at the end of the day, I was spent. Recharge and recovery was lengthy.

I have been a member of many groups and clubs and while it was fun sharing a common interest with folks, the inevitable eventual discord soured me on social groups. Someone always has to ruin it, so I mostly stopped getting involved.

I’ve always found interactions with coworkers to be taxing as well, but it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I was aware of just how much. One day, I realized I was unconsciously taking a mental inventory of what my coworkers were wearing. Every day. God knows I’m no fashionista, but I realized it was so I could tell, at a glimpse out of the corner of my eye who was approaching or in my immediate area. Apparently, without my even being aware of it, I had created an entire defense network. Since there were people I despised and was likely to conflict with, I had built my own DEW line to keep me apprised of who was where. Because there was no way to make everyone wear IFF transponders, “blue shirt good/striped shirt bad ” was the next best thing. But that epiphany left me wondering what the cost of being on DEFCON 4 all the time was - without even knowing it. The strange part is, I notice that I still do it. The atmosphere at my former employer was (is) toxic and stressful, to say the least, but I actually like my coworkers now. Why am I still on guard?

We have a small, separate shop for the students to use -about 15’x30’- and one day I walked into the empty room to get something...and the quiet and isolation was like a soothing balm. I briefly entertained thoughts of moving my machine and tools in there, so I could be alone. Why? Habit from my old job? I don’t think so, for one day when I went down to the park to walk the dog, as I stepped out of the truck I had the mental image of slipping a cape off my shoulders and letting it fall to the ground - except the cape was weighted, very much like the X-ray vest you wear at the dentist. It was very similar to the calming effect I felt walking into the empty "student cave". What was this weight that fell from my shoulders, why was a carrying it around and at what cost?

I dabbled in social media for a bit - Reddit and a couple of cycling forums. I met some nice people - some in real life and a couple who have made it into the very exclusive group I call “friends”. After a time, I stopped to consider the implications of what I was doing. I realized I was posting things and then checking back -almost obsessively- to see if anyone responded, if anyone “liked” what I posted, hoping for that little endorphin hit. It seemed kind of sick and narcissistic, not to mention a huge time-suck, so I stopped posting. (A blog that no one reads doesn’t count, smartass).

Strangely, I make a conscious effort to interact with store clerks and the like. For some reason, I go out of my way to make our interaction more than a business transaction. I know it’s partly empathetic- I realize that they have a job that may be boring and stressful, so I try to alleviate it a bit by not being another person who just throws their stuff on the counter and ignores them. But, maybe it’s a "low-cost" way for me to get my socialization fix. They’re no “threat” to me and I will walk away at the end of our brief encounter. 

I started writing this looking for answers and understanding. Instead, I’ve ended up with more questions and no insight. I still don’t get it. But hey, I’m at least aware.