Guilt and Gratitude

After the initial shock of the world turning upside down subsided, I saw a lot of potential in this period of imposed isolation.

At last I have time to do things I've not had time for, or have been putting off - both "non-fun" stuff like yard work and "fun" stuff like riding my bike. I see an opportunity to get a bit ahead on things I need to do, freeing me up for fun stuff later on when the weather improves.

I also see that it is a chance for me to think...and maybe learn a little. Being forced to slow down, and being unable to do some things might help me understand why I am so driven, all the time. "Why do I feel the need to multitask all the time?" "Why do I feel like everything I don't get done will come back to bite me in the ass later on"? "How much of it is 'real' and how much is self-created...maybe to bolster my own ego, inflate my sense of self-importance"? It's a rare chance for reflection and I'm trying to make the most of it.

I promised myself to get my camera out and go back to playing photographer - not because I fancy myself an artist, but because I use photography as a tool. It forces me to slow down and actually see what's around me, not just hurtle through the landscape blindly, locked inside my own head.

As you can see, I've also used this chance to sit down and start writing again - after a four year hiatus- not just because I finally got around to straightening out my password issues, but because it kind of helps me turn the noise in my head into a somewhat coherent form. That way, maybe if I write now, I won't be "writing" at 2AM.

....and all these things benefit me.

People are getting sick and dying. People are in tough financial straits. People are feeling the strain of enforced separation. People are living under a cloud of fear and uncertainty.

I have a job. I have insurance. I have my health. I have the means to keep myself fairly well isolated and lessen the odds of getting infested - a lot of people don't.

...and I'm looking at this as an opportunity?  What kind of self-centered son of a bitch am I?

I have been railing against the selfish people who clean the stores out of toilet paper and sanitizer because, well. "Hooray for me, screw the next guy..." I've been looking with disgust at businesses who profiteer and put money ahead of the well being of their employees. I have been thinking with loathing of politicians or those who would use this as a chance to do some shady shit, while everyone's attention is elsewhere,

...am I one of them? Am I that which I despise?

After a brief period of self-loathing*, I realized that the difference is that the good that I hope to get from this doesn't come at the expense of anyone else. The gains that I seek to wrest from this are in spite of the situation, not because of it. It's my way of giving a middle finger to a situation I cannot control. I can live with that.

If the "price" I have to pay is to be reminded and humbled about how goddamn lucky I am, I am more than ok with that. It's more than fair.



*My Catholic education never made it much past first grade, but apparently the "guilt" portion of the indoctrination "took".