I Come From...?

I have long been a fan of Ordinary Elephant. (For the uninitiated, follow the link. Listen to all the music. Watch all the videos. Buy all the things... I'll wait). Their music is simple, solid, unpretentious, genuine and, well, honest. (Any of those former adjectives would have been almost as good an album title as the latter).

I watched their webcast concert the other day and for some reason "I Come From"stuck with me for a while afterward and made me think. It's a wonderful song about being proud of (not arrogant) and grateful for who and where you came from. It made me reflect on my own influences - who and where I come from.

...and I came up empty.  It was kind of a startling revelation. 

I realized I see my roots more in terms of Marillion's "Accidental Man":

"An accident of gender, 

an accident of birth. 

that holds me to point of view

this time and place on earth".

I have lived here virtually all my life and while I intimately know every nook and cranny of this area, any attachment I feel is born of familiarity and comfort. (No small thing to a creature of habit like me, but still...)This area is no better or worse than anywhere else. Sure, I could bore the ears off a visitor about local history and the Erie Canal, but that would simply be a case of trying to share something they don't know or hear about all the time. I'd probably serve them Spedies and Salt Potatoes or Utica Greens and Chicken Riggies, but that would be more from a desire to share something unique, something different, as opposed to any real pride in those dishes.

As much as I love the woods, I suppose I could just as well feel the same about the mountains, the ocean or the desert. (But not the city. No way.)

The only place I feel any affinity for is up north, the area where my camp is and my grandparents' house was. Something about that area just speaks to me - from the coarse, glacial, sandy soil to the plaintive call of the White-Throated Sparrow. I kind of suspect this is owing to spending two week vacations up there, during my childhood. It was the only time and place I was out from under my mother's oppressive thumb. (And she often commented that it took two weeks to "straighten us out" when we came home). I often joke that my house is "where I live", but my camp is "home".

Ok, but surely there must be people who have helped make me what I am, right? Well, I came up pretty fuzzy there, too.

The whole "family" thing wasn't really part of my formative years. Outside of my mother, father and sister, everyone either lived downstate or was on my mother's personal Shit List (or both) so we never saw much of them - no real influences there. Most anyone I could think of as an influence was somewhat of a mixed bag.

My paternal grandfather helped form my love of the outdoors, but I also realize he was a product of his times - ie a bit hyper-conservative and a bit of a bigot. Thankfully I didn't get that part.

I don't really remember either of my grandmothers having much influence - but I'm willing to credit my maternal grandmother with my love of food. "Mangia!"

I'm pretty much empty as far as teachers go - though I had a few good ones - so I guess that leaves my parents.

My dad wasn't with us quite long enough to complete his tutelage, but I think my sense of honor, my belief that my word means something and feeling that you should always strive do do the right thing - especially when no one's looking- came from him. He was the quiet type. He didn't say much, but he didn't have to. He was calm, quiet and logical. I can channel that sometimes, but it's offset by my inheritance of my mother's short fuse. The older I get, the more I see him as an iceberg - a lot going on below the waterline that no one really saw. His early passing certainly left me constantly mindful of the passage of time and a knowledge that regret is a terrible thing to carry around.

But he didn't know shit about tools.

Last, but by far not least, my mother. She was a mixed bag of influences if ever there was one. From her I got my fierce sense of independence. Whether this is a good thing or not depends on the circumstances. It's been an asset sometimes but gotten me in a lot of hot water, too. (No regrets!)
She was independent in thought as well, and it's to her that I attribute my willingness to question everything and not just mindlessly accept the status quo. I think it's served me well, and it's the one thing I tried to pass on to my son.  I'm not sure if i inherited my love of learning from her, but she did teach me to read, very early, which has paid a lot of dividends.

On the other hand, she  also taught me that hitting your kids doesn't work; it just made me a better liar and good at keeping my feelings hidden - not exactly desirable traits. On the surface I suppose her constant admonition that I was lazy and selfish having made me aways strive to prove the opposite looks like a good thing, but there's a flip side. I have a very, very hard time relaxing - I always feel like I should be doing something productive. While my lifelong desire to prove her wrong has helped me be kind and considerate, it's left me unable to ask anyone for anything - no matter how badly I may need it -far, far in excess of the normal Y chromosome related reluctance to ask for assistance. No matter how badly I'm drowning, I won't ask for help. I will -usually- take it if it's offered, but to ask someone to do something they wouldn't do of their own volition is an anathema.

So I see myself as byproduct of a whole slew of varying influences...but that doesn't make for a very good song, does it? (Accidental Man notwithstanding).

Edward G Norley's Reign of Terror

I've been doing a fair amount of research about the seedier side of local history. In the course of so doing, I ran across this January 1895 article, which I have quoted verbatim. (It was perfect as written. To paraphrase or edit would be a crime.)

You can call Mr. Norley a lot of things -"a slow learner" among them - but you can not call him "a quitter". He saw it through to the bitter end.

Made A Reign Of Terror

Drunken Man Had Two Revolvers

His Wife Disarmed Him and Gave him a Horsewhipping - Assaulted Several Store-Keepers and Resisted Arrest But Was Clubbed Into Submission

Lyons, January 27. Water Street was the scene of a batch of sensations all day Saturday In which Edward G Norley figured largely. Early in the morning, he had a quarrel with his amiable spouse and left home in high dudgeon. Purchasing a pair of revolvers and with a skin full of cheap whiskey he returned. As soon as he began abusing his wife, he exhibited the revolvers, which Mrs. Norley took away from him and chased him out of the house, shooting off the guns in the air.

Norley sought refuge in the barn, but the wife followed and with a horsewhip administered awful punishment, driving him out. He hastily went down town and commenced drinking heavily. At last, he went into Boeheim & Sons furniture store and tried to kick up a row with Alderman Boeheim. The latter declined, at which espying an old enemy William Harris, he called him and his deceased father a lot of dirty names, which Harris resented by knocking Norley flat three times, at which the latter begged and Harris, at Boeheim’s request, withdrew.

Alderman Boeheim’s Strong Arm

Norley turned his mud batteries thereupon Boeheim who, after standing the abuse for a time, grabbed the drunken loafer , dragged him five rods out of the store, across the sidewalk into the gutter and chucked him in after which he punched him in the nose as hard as he knew how to. This performance required some effort as Norley stands six feet four in his stockings and weighs 280 while Alderman Boeheim is five feet six and weighs 160.

Norley crawled out of the ditch and espying D.J. Mahoney who runs the Oriental House, rushed at him with vile names and attempted to “slog” him. Mahoney warded off several blows at which Norley drew his knife and alleging that he would dispatch Mahoney started in, but Mahoney fled to his place, procured a revolver and returned.

Norley had been taken into Noble & Tromer’s hardware store, where he would be safe from Mahoney, at which he picked on Ward Compson, a clerk, and again drew a knife. At this, George A Tromer, one of the proprietors, quieted Norley down and took him home in his cutter.

Norley began smashing furniture as soon as he reached the house, to which his wife objected. He retired to the woodhouse, he seized a crowbar and returned to the scene of battle at which Mrs. Norely grabbed the bar and poked her husband in the stomach and he fell again, smashing the stove with the crowbar. Mrs. Norely came down to police headquarters and made a complaint, charging her husband with assault in the second degree, drunkenness and disorderly conduct.

Attacked a Policeman

Officer Sharpe accompanied the wife home and on the corner of Layton and North Water Streets meeting Karl Martin’s delivery sleigh, ordered it to wait.Mrs. Norley was unable to restrain herself and stood crying, wringing her hands. Officer Sharpe went up to the door and knocked.

“Who’s there?” asked Norley

Officer Sharpe answered at which Norley called him a vile name, swung open the door, reached for his hip pocket with one hand, grappling the officer with the other and came out on the stoop ready for business. Realizing his peril, the officer used his club several times, reducing Norley to insensibility, splitting the club.

The handcuffs were adjusted and Norley’s legs tied with the hitching strap after which, minus coat and vest, he was carted down to the Station House and a charge of resisting an officer was docketed. Jail physician Dr. John S. Bend was summoned and found Norley in terrible shape, with his nose knocked out of shape by William Harris and alderman Boeheim, while his eyes were badly bunged and his head all cut open. He was patched up and eft in the station for the night.

Numerous friends called on him and bail was applied for. Yesterday morning Norley was in his right mind and blamed the whole thing to whisky. He was arraigned before Police Justice Mason and released on bail secured by Charles P Williamson his attorney.

(Probably the worst part of all this was having to do the Walk Of Shame around town, ever after: "Hey! Hey Norley! C'mere! Joe here's new in town...he hasn't heard about your reign of terror. Go on - tell him about the night you got your ass beat by everyone in town...including your wife!")

What I Learned From A Fungus

Here is, what is on the face of it, a rather unremarkable photo. The composition is mediocre, the exposure rather ordinary and the subject matter seemingly dull. Definitely not Instagram-worthy.

But look deeper. There's a story here. (Click to embiggen).

Once upon a time (because all good stories start that way) there was a tree,  standing tall, with bracket fungus happily (?) growing on the trunk. Being very strict, traditional polypores, they grew perpendicular to the trunk, parallel to the ground.

One day a mean, evil witch (...or a windstorm...or a guy with a chainsaw...) knocked the tree over. Now the pores containing the spores were sideways! How ever would they release their spores and spawn the next generation? Oh no!

Our hero (heroes?) the fungus didn't rail against a situation it couldn't control, didn't wallow in self pity, just shrugged their nonexistent shoulders and resumed growing, 90 degrees from the previous growth -once again parallel to the ground as is right and proper- and life went on.

Huh. Sometimes even a simple life form has more sense than I do.

Guilt and Gratitude

After the initial shock of the world turning upside down subsided, I saw a lot of potential in this period of imposed isolation.

At last I have time to do things I've not had time for, or have been putting off - both "non-fun" stuff like yard work and "fun" stuff like riding my bike. I see an opportunity to get a bit ahead on things I need to do, freeing me up for fun stuff later on when the weather improves.

I also see that it is a chance for me to think...and maybe learn a little. Being forced to slow down, and being unable to do some things might help me understand why I am so driven, all the time. "Why do I feel the need to multitask all the time?" "Why do I feel like everything I don't get done will come back to bite me in the ass later on"? "How much of it is 'real' and how much is self-created...maybe to bolster my own ego, inflate my sense of self-importance"? It's a rare chance for reflection and I'm trying to make the most of it.

I promised myself to get my camera out and go back to playing photographer - not because I fancy myself an artist, but because I use photography as a tool. It forces me to slow down and actually see what's around me, not just hurtle through the landscape blindly, locked inside my own head.

As you can see, I've also used this chance to sit down and start writing again - after a four year hiatus- not just because I finally got around to straightening out my password issues, but because it kind of helps me turn the noise in my head into a somewhat coherent form. That way, maybe if I write now, I won't be "writing" at 2AM.

....and all these things benefit me.

People are getting sick and dying. People are in tough financial straits. People are feeling the strain of enforced separation. People are living under a cloud of fear and uncertainty.

I have a job. I have insurance. I have my health. I have the means to keep myself fairly well isolated and lessen the odds of getting infested - a lot of people don't.

...and I'm looking at this as an opportunity?  What kind of self-centered son of a bitch am I?

I have been railing against the selfish people who clean the stores out of toilet paper and sanitizer because, well. "Hooray for me, screw the next guy..." I've been looking with disgust at businesses who profiteer and put money ahead of the well being of their employees. I have been thinking with loathing of politicians or those who would use this as a chance to do some shady shit, while everyone's attention is elsewhere,

...am I one of them? Am I that which I despise?

After a brief period of self-loathing*, I realized that the difference is that the good that I hope to get from this doesn't come at the expense of anyone else. The gains that I seek to wrest from this are in spite of the situation, not because of it. It's my way of giving a middle finger to a situation I cannot control. I can live with that.

If the "price" I have to pay is to be reminded and humbled about how goddamn lucky I am, I am more than ok with that. It's more than fair.



*My Catholic education never made it much past first grade, but apparently the "guilt" portion of the indoctrination "took".

Gender Blender

I don’t get it.

I have heard much about “non-binary gender”, “gender fluidity” and “gender dysphoria”. Each time I see or hear something about the subject, I try to understand it...and come up empty.

Now before you brand me as a hater, let me try to dispel that notion. I am willing to accept and respect anyone willing to grant me the same courtesy. For someone to live a lie, just because it’s what others expect of them, is a sin of the first order. I am a firm believer that people should be themselves, whoever that might be. The “problem” is not that people are this way, it’s my inability to relate - and I’m working on that.

I like seeing paradigms challenged. Any time my preconceived notions are questioned, I find it kind of refreshing to ask myself “...yeah, why is that?” More often than not the answer is “...well, I don’t know, you just do...” because there is no real reason! Doing something “just because we’ve always done it that way“ or “because everyone else does” is stupid.

For me, the first step toward understanding something new to me is to relate it to something I do understand. When I look at same-sex relationships, while I may not understand the attraction -in the same way I don’t understand how people can like chick peas - I do understand that it’s a relationship, with all that entails. “Oh, it’s a relationship! I know what those are! I’ve had them!” So for me the first step was to try and think of a time when I felt like maybe I was someone else or not a guy-type person...and I came up empty. My immediate, visceral response was “I am a man”. There was no ambiguity there.

I have never been one to subscribe to established gender roles. The idea that people are not allowed to (or are unable to) do something just because of their gender, is beyond stupid. The idea that somethings are “manly” and others are not is just plain dumb. I have often shook my head at the idea that because I am a male person, I’m supposed to like monster trucks and fishin’ and football...or whatever. I don’t, but it’s never made me question who I am. If that’s what “the rules” say I’m supposed to like and I don’t, then the rules are fucked up, not me!

Like Popeye, “I yam what I yam”, rules and labels and convention be damned.

...which is what I suppose someone of “non traditional” gender might be inclined to say.

Hmm....maybe I just learned something.

Social Distance...and Isolation.

I have heard many people bemoaning the lack of socialization during this period of forced separation. Many, many times, I have read of the mental toll solitary confinement can take on people. But...I don’t really get it. I understand how confinement could make me go stark raving mad - probably quicker than most - but as someone who needs and wants little social interaction I don’t really understand how lack thereof can take such a toll on people. So far, the only downside to this whole “social distancing” thing for me is that places I used to go for solitude are now...crowded and I dread the thought that my “secret places” are going to remain crowded after this all blows over. Now my “crack-of-dawn-to-avoid-the-idiots” grocery runs are not quite as placid and idiot-free as they once were. (Hopefully they’ll go back to the malls instead of the woods and take up sleeping in again, once this all blows over).

I don’t feel like I’m missing anything and I have to wonder “...why is that?” “...what does it say about me?” “...am I some sort of sociopath?” The logical place to look for answers seems to be the past - Where did it start and how did I get to where I am now? 

Growing up in a small town where I didn’t fit in probably had a lot to do with it. I realized fairly early on that I was never going to fit in, so there was no point in trying. I found that being “different” was acceptable but being “uncool” was a major, major sin to be avoided at all costs. Being different earned me a mostly undeserved reputation for being crazy, but it accorded me a degree of respect. The lesson I took from this is that, if you give people a few threads, they will spin an entire cloth of an image of you - and because they came up with it themselves, they believe it wholeheartedly. It’s better than anything you could come up with on your own. Still, maintaining the machinery that creates an image is taxing. When I was on my bike alone for hours, I didn’t have to keep up appearances, there was no one to judge me and I didn’t have to be on alert not to make any missteps. In addition to my bike freeing me from my mother and my small town, it freed me from having to manage the smoke and mirrors of the persona I created. I liked it. I had “guys I hung out with” but no real “friends”. Like Barf, I was my own best friend, and I was mostly ok with that.

As I got older, my social circle expanded. I had friends and did social things. I have to admit, I had a lot of fun. I even -gasp!- initiated get togethers and hosted parties! Still, I found it draining. After several hours at a party, I found myself just shutting down and needing to go off by myself. It felt like my batteries were depleted. Again, it seemed like I was maintaining an image and ever on my guard against being “uncool”. I realized how many little things I was doing - like making sure not to tell the same story twice, keeping track of what I had in common with which person so that I could direct the conversations in a “safe” direction, always wearing something that I had gotten since we had been together last (so that I knew I wasn’t wearing the same thing as last time)...and so on. I maintained a mental Rolodex (I’m too old for a database) of everyone’s likes and dislikes and acted accordingly. I kept a ready store of witty quips and quotes, just in case I needed them. If I was hosting, I depleted my emotional batteries making sure everyone was having the best time ever. That all has a mental and emotional cost, and at the end of the day, I was spent. Recharge and recovery was lengthy.

I have been a member of many groups and clubs and while it was fun sharing a common interest with folks, the inevitable eventual discord soured me on social groups. Someone always has to ruin it, so I mostly stopped getting involved.

I’ve always found interactions with coworkers to be taxing as well, but it wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I was aware of just how much. One day, I realized I was unconsciously taking a mental inventory of what my coworkers were wearing. Every day. God knows I’m no fashionista, but I realized it was so I could tell, at a glimpse out of the corner of my eye who was approaching or in my immediate area. Apparently, without my even being aware of it, I had created an entire defense network. Since there were people I despised and was likely to conflict with, I had built my own DEW line to keep me apprised of who was where. Because there was no way to make everyone wear IFF transponders, “blue shirt good/striped shirt bad ” was the next best thing. But that epiphany left me wondering what the cost of being on DEFCON 4 all the time was - without even knowing it. The strange part is, I notice that I still do it. The atmosphere at my former employer was (is) toxic and stressful, to say the least, but I actually like my coworkers now. Why am I still on guard?

We have a small, separate shop for the students to use -about 15’x30’- and one day I walked into the empty room to get something...and the quiet and isolation was like a soothing balm. I briefly entertained thoughts of moving my machine and tools in there, so I could be alone. Why? Habit from my old job? I don’t think so, for one day when I went down to the park to walk the dog, as I stepped out of the truck I had the mental image of slipping a cape off my shoulders and letting it fall to the ground - except the cape was weighted, very much like the X-ray vest you wear at the dentist. It was very similar to the calming effect I felt walking into the empty "student cave". What was this weight that fell from my shoulders, why was a carrying it around and at what cost?

I dabbled in social media for a bit - Reddit and a couple of cycling forums. I met some nice people - some in real life and a couple who have made it into the very exclusive group I call “friends”. After a time, I stopped to consider the implications of what I was doing. I realized I was posting things and then checking back -almost obsessively- to see if anyone responded, if anyone “liked” what I posted, hoping for that little endorphin hit. It seemed kind of sick and narcissistic, not to mention a huge time-suck, so I stopped posting. (A blog that no one reads doesn’t count, smartass).

Strangely, I make a conscious effort to interact with store clerks and the like. For some reason, I go out of my way to make our interaction more than a business transaction. I know it’s partly empathetic- I realize that they have a job that may be boring and stressful, so I try to alleviate it a bit by not being another person who just throws their stuff on the counter and ignores them. But, maybe it’s a "low-cost" way for me to get my socialization fix. They’re no “threat” to me and I will walk away at the end of our brief encounter. 

I started writing this looking for answers and understanding. Instead, I’ve ended up with more questions and no insight. I still don’t get it. But hey, I’m at least aware.