Touchstones and Nostalgia

Writing my post about my “abnormal” lack of need for social interaction made me wonder how many other things I lack in common with “normal” folks.

In no particular order,

Holidays. Everyone seems to have pleasant memories of Christmases or birthdays that they draw upon and perhaps try to recreate. Not me. I half-ass remember putting up a Christmas tree, up until I was about eight or so. I remember a Christmas at my grandparents’ when I was five, when I got the car carrier toy truck I really wanted, but that’s about it. At some point, we just stopped celebrating holidays. No explanation given. I’m sure there wasn’t a lot of extra money in the budget for such things, but we did ...nothing. No special meal, no decorations, no dessert, not even a “Happy Birthday”. Thus, I have nothing upon which to base any feelings of nostalgia. It’s just a blank page. I remember going outside to play one Christmas Day and no one was around - it was like the Zombie Apocalypse. I realized that for me, it was just another day.

Television and movies. Not having a television made for some painfully awkward social moments. Other kids were watching (and talking about) Dark Shadows and Championship Wrestling. I was reading a book. For the sake of social self-preservation, I got good at faking familiarity - even today I remember Barnabas Collins and Crusher Verdu, but I have no context in which to put them. They’re just names.

Movies were never really much of a thing - but then I don’t think they were, even for my friends. It was much later in life that this became much more pronounced. (I think the advent of movie rentals really pushed this to the forefront). I’ve realized people can talk endlessly about whatever movies they’ve watched...and as far as I’m concerned, they may as well be speaking Martian. I have no patience for sitting and passively staring at a screen and I think it’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older.

Celebrities. I’ve never understood this one. I dimly remember music, movie and sports idols, but they never meant anything to me. The current trend for people to be famous just for being famous makes even less sense. “Who are these people and why do I care?”

Comfort food. As an unrepentant foodie, this should be a thing with me, but it’s not. “Comfort food” has been described as “...like the tomato soup your mom gave you when you got sick, to help you feel better”. Hell, my mother never even gave me an aspirin when I was sick, just banished me to the back bedroom so my coughing wouldn’t keep her awake. So no, I have no particular dish that I wax nostalgic over. I miss my dad’s breakfasts and his homemade applesauce - but that’s a manifestation of missing him. Maybe that’s close enough?

Family vacations. Another big “nope”. Everyone seems to have fond memories of vacations, picnics or camping trips. I got nothin’. Other kids went to Disney or weekended at Old Forge. Those places might as well have been on Venus for all I knew. We weren’t exactly wealthy, but it seems we did nothing as a family, regardless of cost. About the only thing I remember is having a picnic/cookout in a park once (prior to age seven, when we moved here). It started raining, so we took shelter in the car. To our great amusement, the blackbirds were in no way deterred by the rain and helped themselves to the hamburger and hot dog buns - right through the plastic bags. That was it...up until I was fourteen or fifteen. My mom went somewhere on a weekend retreat and my dad grabbed some picnic supplies and a couple of office mates and we had a picnic at Lake Delta. I was floored. It was completely out of character for him and unprecedented. It was only afterward that I wondered how many other things he didn’t do, because she had no interest. A sobering realization, to be sure.

Now I know you’re thinking “Aw Jesus, he’s whining about his childhood again....” but that’s not the case.....really! It’s more the case of me seeing these things as an outsider and not really comprehending them. The saying “You can’t miss what you never had” applies perfectly here. I don’t feel depraved - er- deprived. It’s a weird state of dispassionate observation. I think maybe I see things more clearly, for not owning rose colored glasses. I don’t wax nostalgic about Happy Days and the Fifties, for example because I realize that it was a great time...if you were a white male -  women were still supposed to be subservient and black people were supposed to be seen and not heard. While I understand the postwar euphoria and the astounding growth of America, it was also the days of Fallout Shelters and “duck and cover”. So I see the balance.

In some ways, I find it liberating.  I’m not bound by tradition, not burdened by nostalgia. I can celebrate - or not - in a way that has meaning for me, not Hallmark. If I want to celebrate Dio de los Muertos I can. (And have!)