Twenty One

Wow.

I won't say "It seems like only yesterday..." because I doesn't, but it sure seems like a lot less than twenty one years since I took on the job description: "Father".

It's the hardest job I've ever done, because kids don't come with an owner's manual. There is no degree program: "Parent 101". There can't be, since each child is an individual. The best I could come up with was to look to the examples around me. First and foremost were my own parents. I guessed I should look at what they did - both right and wrong- and use that info. I also looked at other parents around me and copied from their notes - keeping the "good" and throwing out the "bad". Still, I didn't have any younger siblings or even any younger cousins around to watch grow - so I was almost completely and utterly in the dark.

I knew that I did not want to create a "Mini Me". I had seen that too many other times before - parents who tried their best to mold their children in their own image. I saw this as patently unfair to the child, and often had dire consequences down the road.

I decided that the most important thing my parents ever taught me was to think for myself. When questions were posed, I seldom ever gave a straight answer-in fun and as an effort to encourage critical thinking - or I walked through the steps of how to go about finding the answers. If I didn't know, I said so and went about finding the answer. I figured that no matter how life ahead would be different, the ability to think, rather than just blindly accept what was being handed out would be critical.

I tried to be as "hands off" as possible - perhaps the opposite of a "helicopter parent"- only stepping in when it appeared that things had gone seriously astray. I offered advice when it was asked for. The big drawback is that that could be misconstrued as apathy. Quite the opposite. Caring enough to step back and let go is a tricky proposition. You want to step in, but....

I tried to lead by example - both in doing "the right thing" and following my own path, regardless of what everyone else is doing. I hope seeing someone do the right thing - even when no one was watching - just because it was the right thing took root. I also wish that my being "different" is an example of living by what is right for you, rather than just doing what everyone else does... because everyone else is doing it.

Perhaps my failings are a good example of leading by example... of what not to do.

I also tried to be a man of my word. If I promised something, I tried like hell to deliver. If I threatened something, I followed through (just often enough to keep the "threat" credible). I'm not sure my track record was too good, but I tried.

I encouraged learning, exploration and trying new things. I hope it didn't seem too scattershot or ADD... or that one shouldn't delve into things in depth, rather just superficially

In short, I sought to teach independent thinking, honor, and compassion. Pretty vague concepts, but ones that are essential, no matter where life takes you

I think, based on what I've seen, I succeeded, but the final exam is often decades long.

I hope I did a good job, for my part, and where I dropped the ball can be overlooked.

Certitude

I said a while back that I promised myself I wasn't going to discuss religion, politics or red headed women here.

I've already violated that once, so what the hell - I'm going to do it again, and this time I'll violate BOTH of the first taboos. (The topic of red headed women remains sacrosanct).

What do they have in common? What George Will referred to as an "excess of certitude"; the view that the world can be viewed on simple terms, and that one's particular point of view is unshakably correct.

While being firm in one's convictions can be admirable, it seems that "my way is the right way" all too often leads to "my way is the ONLY way". (And in the case of religion, this all too often leads to "Our God can beat up your God").

What happened to mutual respect? The art of compromise? The willingness to accept someone else on their terms, though they may be different? Why does everything have to be an "all-or-nothing" proposition?

Politics seems to have degenerated into a test of political wills. Each side tries to ram it's agenda through, over the opposition, who dig their heels in and try to block anything and everything that their opponents try to do. The health care debacle was a perfect example. Rather than the Republicans accepting that the Democrats had the horsepower to push the bill through, and try to shape it into something workable, we got nonsense about "Death Panels!" and "Socialism!". What SHOULD have happened was the Republican party sitting down and saying "Ok if you change XYZ, and take this out, put that in and modify this, we'll vote for the bill". Why would it have been so horrible for a bipartisan party to sit down and say "Ok, we can all agree that our health care system needs reform..." and work from there? Why is "compromise" a dirty word? Why do we admire a shrewd bargainer in the business world, yet view politics in absolutist terms?

Politics has become all about "winning".... and you and I are the losers.

In the case of religion, I like to liken the world's religions to three blind men touching an elephant, and each describing what an elephant is, based on the part they're touching. The one touching the trunk has a very different picture than the one holding the tail, or the one touching the side, yet if you were to ask each of them what they thought an elephant was, they would be very adamant in their "picture". They would all be right, yet, in a way, they would all be wrong, because none of them can see the whole. Only Buddhism says "there are many paths". The rest, all too often, say "Our way is the only way". "Our God is the only God". "We're the Chosen People and you're not". I don't know about you, but to me, to say that you know unequivocally what God thinks/wants is at best arrogant, at worst, very, very dangerous. Too often that certainty leads to people thinking God has anointed them judge, jury and executioner.

People of faith seem totally unwilling to admit that "faith" by definition is "a belief in something that can't be proven" - because that opens the door to admitting that they might not be entirely correct. I see nothing wrong with that, and do NOT see it as a sign of weakness, but to many it's tantamount to blasphemy. To admit that maybe you don't KNOW exactly what God wants might mean you'd have to accept someone else may also have a piece of the puzzle.

As a student of history, I try to console myself by telling myself "This is nothing new. It's happened before and things have worked out", but last time we got so polarized, and let radicals on either end of the spectrum decide the fate of the country, there was a five year war that left about 700,000 Americans dead.

The Founding Fathers would no doubt understand, but I think they'd be very dismayed to see what we've become.

Honor....Where's it gone?

"Honor is a gift a man gives to himself" - Rob Roy.

I was talking to a co-worker today - he was telling me about his family and personal issues that were sort of piling up on him at the moment. He tried to apply for Family Leave, but was told he'd used it up when he was out on disability for a torn rotator cuff. He asked how then, could some of the other employees get Family Leave - on multiple occasions- when their grounds for taking it were far less solid than his. He said he was told - by someone in authority - "Oh, well, you have to learn to play the game".

This incensed him - and to tell the truth, me as well. "Play the game? Play the game???" he said. Here he was trying to do things the right way and getting slapped down for it, while others, who were less-than-honest were getting away with something, because they knew how to "play the game".

He and I are not just co-workers. We share Italian ancestry and both grew up in a small, predominantly Italian town. I know from whence his indignation comes.

Back in the day.....

When we were growing up, there were two things that were pretty much written in stone: "Don't rat anyone out" and "Your word means everything". The first was a low rent version of "Omerta", I suppose, but the second was a very old-fashioned version of a code of honor.

It was completely inconceivable to go back on your word. Business deals were done with a handshake.

When I was buying my first car, my boss went to the bank with me (this was before they handed out loans like popcorn), lied about how long I'd been working there, and co-signed my car loan. You can bet your ass, I was there at the bank on the day before the payment was due, every month. Even if I'd been in the hospital in a body cast, I'd have sold off one of my kidneys to make sure that loan got paid. You might as well have suggested I could carry the moon around in my pocket, as to suggest I default on that loan.

Screwing someone over just wasn't done - politics and "business" notwithstanding. An employer could be counted on to do the fair thing and an employee - if they were smart - wouldn't try to take advantage of an employer.

If you said you were going to do something, you did it. If you borrowed money, you paid it back - and not just because Giuseppe was going to come around asking which was your favorite kneecap. If someone did you a favor, you OWED them - and if they came around twenty years later to collect, you were still obligated to return the favor.

Not so, today. People make and break promises all the while. Hell, getting someone to even show up somewhere they said they'd be is a sketchy proposition. The workplace is the same: Having heard horror story after horror story about people collecting disability or compensation, were I to get injured at work, my first stop after the hospital would be a compensation lawyer.

Something has been lost.